This is going to be brutally truthful blog post. Pregnancy loss is a very common thing that happens to a lot of women but no one really talks about it. As I am sitting here talking about this, it’s been a week since I’ve found out that the baby I thought I was carrying wasn’t a viable pregnancy. I knew it was bad news when the ultrasound technician turned the screen away from me and was silent for most of my appointment. I remember just looking over at my husband Justin who was bouncing our daughter Edith on his lap in the exam room just trying not to cry.
This is not my first loss. This time, I was somewhere around 7-11 weeks pregnant. It’s hard to know because my cycle has been off since being diagnosed with hypothyroid after my last pregnancy. My first loss was before we had Edie, with what I believe was a chemical pregnancy. I had the positive pregnancy test, but then at the doctor a week or so later I was no longer pregnant. Like that experience, I knew with my most recent loss, there was a reason why my body did what it did. As women, our bodies can do amazing things. Our bodies know when something is off, and our bodies take control and terminate the pregnancy.
We found out I was pregnant the last day of our beach vacation with my family this past August. I took a test the morning of the day we left, and IT WAS POSITIVE! Justin and I dug our toes into the sand that morning, standing the ocean holding each other and smiling. We had been a family of four all week long and didn’t even know it. I had no idea how far along I was, but it didn’t matter. We were over the moon happy. We were excited for another baby, scared because we love Edith so fiercely that we were scared if our hearts could grow any bigger… and just so excited because we knew Edith would be THE BEST big sister. That day, our hearts were full.
With my first chemical pregnancy, it hurt. That initial excitement of seeing those two pink lines went from terrifying, to overwhelming, and then just pure joy. We weren’t trying to get pregnant, and to be honest, it wasn’t even on our radar. Regardless of our plans or lack-there-of, the loss hurt. This last loss, I can say without a doubt, hurt a lot more. I had known I was pregnant for almost two months this time. Had already had an appointment with my midwife, told some of my closest friends. After already having a baby, who is now this amazing tiny human growing into this amazing person, I now knew what kind of loss I was really missing out on. Our daughter Edith, words cannot describe how wonderful and amazing she is. And what really killed me in those first couple days after receiving the news, is what kind of amazing person we were missing out on meeting.
The last few days I haven’t felt well. I’ve had spotting and some minor cramping with a lot of lower back pain. I’ve had to take it easy, trying to give my body grace to do what it needs to to let go of this pregnancy. Tomorrow I start medication to help my body along with the process, in hopes that the meds will work and that I will not have to go under general anesthesia for a procedure. I am thankful my body knew that things weren’t good, and it knew what to do. But if I am being 100% honest, I am so ready for it all to be over. The waiting, has to be the hardest part.
If you’re reading this, know that pregnancy loss is very common. If you are a woman who is hurting after a miscarriage, just know that you are NOT alone. Know that MOST WOMEN have conquered this loss (or losses) and have gone on to have healthy pregnancies. I keep reminding myself that it HAPPENED FOR A REASON. I have known people who have lost babies after they’ve entered this world, people who have had stillbirths… and my heart throbs for their loss. It reminds me that my body knew what needed to be done, and it took the lead. Because let’s be real, I think with my heart, and I would have fought for that life regardless of what was wrong.
We did tell our family and friends of our loss. It’s important to talk about, because hurting alone is so isolating and devastating. It’s ultimately why I decided to share this here, because if it can help one person fell less alone, it was worth every tear that went into writing this. Take care of yourself, be kind to others because you never know what they might be going through. And if you read this and need to talk, please send me a message. No one should go through it alone.
Kelsey
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